I don’t know
I don’t know what I’m doing right now. I think I’m going crazy and falling into perpetual weirdness. I think I’m living in a dream or pretending to be high. I think I’m inspired to do nothing and gaze at the sky.
I don’t know what this blog is because all I ever seem to do here is…
…over-dramatize life.
March 12, 2010 at 7:13 pm | Lifepost | No comments
Celery Sticks
I’d fancy making a movie that had a ton of inside jokes that only my best of friends could ever understand.
I’d fancy creating fancy symbolism and drawn out metaphors or similes that you’d never figure out completely until you read my mind.
I’d make it the sort of movie that only I’d ever like, the sort of movie that puts a smile on my own face.
I’d fancy that I am my own artist and the creator of my own, well-marketed luxuries.
….
I’d fancy one day I look and see that the world is more than just me.
I’d fancy I’m speaking to a thousand ears and a million eyes.
I’d fancy I’m telling them the secrets that enriched my life.
I’d fancy I understand their endless strife.
….
One day I’d wake up and understand the people,
The people in the world who I so often ignore.
The ones who I am an artist for.
Because to live for only you and only yourself
Keeps your story on the shelf.
March 11, 2010 at 9:52 pm | Lifepost | No comments
The Truth
I am a very emotional person yet I often try to pretend I’m not.
I do things that don’t make sense yet I often try to make sense out of them.
I am afraid of everything yet I often pretend I’m fine.
I can play it all out in my head yet I always make excuses.
March 6, 2010 at 12:07 pm | Reflections | No comments
Words I’ll Only Ever Write
I think one morning how easily friendships break. For all their time and memories, and how much I make of all those little things in life.
But then I remember the truth, that I was the one who tried to not care, who, prideful and socially inadequate, ran away from my problems by being confusing, insincere, and critical. I was one who was never the friend.
And yet I can stand to be so sad that I receive my just desserts; an endless turmoil of regret and insecurity that drives an unfocused mind insane.
I was the one who set the ground for a superficial friendship and yet you stayed and smiled so kindly, the good person you were. You acted as if you forgave though I know you never forgot, at least in those days.
I walk through a crowd of people I am not interested in, because they’re not interested in me, to be honest. And this is how selfish I am.
And I want to say sorry for the person I was, the rejection of your kindness I gave. I want to say sorry, but I know my sorry is superficial and clingy because it’s too late for regret.
I have wishes that I could run away to some far off place and forget everything that ever was and start off some friendship anew, but cleansing away the imperfections of your life isn’t always so easy.
So I try again and say this time.
Thank you for being there for me when I felt alone in the world.
Thank you for being tolerant of all my insecurities.
Thank you for listening when I know you weren’t interested.
Thank you for being the friend I never deserved nor earned.
Thank you for the happiness and life lessons learned.
I may never find in my life another chance so great as I had then to make a true friend, but I should be satisfied nonetheless for I was lucky you were there.
And yet, all in all, you’ll never know my thoughts as I silence them from you, and you’ll never know my heart as I shun you in fear and shame.
These are the words I’ll only ever write as I’ve only ever written so many other words within my short, short life.
But I imagine if you were to ever read these words or hear my thoughts,
I’d tell you then to go far in life and be the beautiful soul you were meant to be
And never let false friends who acted the way I did put you down.
March 6, 2010 at 10:08 am | Lifepost | No comments
Regret
It’s funny how
the first memories
bring wishes
that
i was
the better friend
to You.
February 27, 2010 at 10:12 pm | Poetry | 1 comment
Ruins
I visited my old IRC Pokemon clan again today, and it was falling apart. The leaders were leaving because they were busy. The community was not the family I had known.
It’s funny how things fall apart with time and how all we do is just a constant struggle to keep them together, and when we are tired, we let them go… and things fall apart with time.
It’s funny how I said “Subzero was destined to be the greatest of clans” and how I mentioned my regard for the leaders and the way they handled things.
This was a simple IRC clan on a Pokemon server, but it broke apart like all other things I’ve seen.
Tomorrow I imagine the forevers I’ve imagined myself. Immortality does not come easy, but it’s the only thing worth staying for.
February 22, 2010 at 6:41 pm | Lifepost | No comments
Legit Emo Poem
I want to write a depressing poem.
I want to call it “Crying at Night.”
I want to call it “Loneliness and Fright”,
“End of Life” or “Meaningless Strife.”
I want to tell the world I’m feeling down,
And I want to tell them why.
I try not to be the first to frown,
But come the start of night, I cry.
I cry for the smallness I feel,
The insignificance that seems so real.
I cry for the loss of friendship,
For I was the one who let it slip.
I cry for the futility of goals,
That for all my work no smile shows.
I cry for the gone-by past,
The time I let things go by fast.
I cry for the me I see,
Weakness searching for pity.
I cry for those things I do not know,
And so I drift off into sleep
Tears gone, nothing to weep.
I contemplate that thought,
Upon which a suicidal mind is wrought.
I imagine I am surrounded by smiles,
Even walking around a thousand miles.
I fade away and forget there’s day.
That come tomorrow, I’ll try again.
That for my life I have a plan,
And so many reasons to stay.
I write these words myself I shun,
But I’d rather shout into some ink
Than see my thoughts forever run,
Hiding shame and hoping you see.
February 21, 2010 at 10:59 am | Poetry | No comments
Words in the Air
I could keep on thinking
Those thoughts I never speak.
I could keep on blinking
And closing my eyes like that.
Always into space I stare.
You don’t know how obvious
My thoughts may feel
Like words floating in air.
February 21, 2010 at 1:52 am | Poetry | No comments
Crowd
Surrounded.
By people I know.
People.
For each,
I have a word.
A word and
Nothing more.
Nice.
Smart.
Jerk.
Clumsy.
Me.
Behind a crowd of words,
I search for the missing you.
A paragraph of prose,
Lyric of song, or meter of poem.
Anything goes
For the words of your tome.
February 21, 2010 at 1:40 am | Poetry | No comments
On the heavier side
Watch the candle blow away,
The way those characters watch
When considering the short of day.
Watch the fire-light disappear,
Go away, and never reappear.
Hold the match in your hand.
It’s used and worn and all pretend.
If I could light this candle
Once again.
I’d live that life where
I never ran.
February 21, 2010 at 1:29 am | Poetry | No comments