Expectations
I miss the days when being fulfilled in my life meant having a ton of friends on Runescape and skills trained higher than most players’. When I was satisfied with “hanging out” in my clan chat while “working on my goals,” and I never allowed myself to be distracted by time drains like Facebook.
I miss when I was satisfied with life and did not want anymore… Or at least I knew what I wanted: another 99.
I miss when I made my life uncomplicated and wish things could be that way again. When everything was easy and goals a straight path downwards.
I don’t know why I ruined my life to the mess it is today. I want to fix up things and tell myself it’s not too late, that I really haven’t screwed up.
But I am old and have wasted my time in indecision and will never have the chances I missed again.
But that’s exactly why I missed them.
I don’t know why I expect so much from life or the people around me. Plans aren’t so easy as in a video game. Real life isn’t the end all of all diversions. Castle Wars isn’t the only veering path. This unpixelated world, perhaps, is too much for me.
And I break down.
And I shrink.
Into my corners and walls.
And grow self-pitying.
And I write some words which flow in a senseless order on a page that was once clean. And I make that clean page messy with my words.
Because this is the way art is.
So I tell myself.
February 1, 2010 at 7:00 pm | Lifepost | No comments