I remember the day I quit Runescape. I had already planned to quit the game I was addicted to at the end of Summer ’08, but on July 26, my dad shortened the journey.

I was hasty to sneak on my laptop, and rush to mIRC; I told my clan that I was quitting but never told the reason why. I proceeded to make an emotional statement of the thing by creating a video called “My Runescape Career”, featuring many screenshots I had collected while I had played Runescape.

Some people told me my video made them cry. I bitterly accepted that I had to quit the game eventually, so I did not try to fight it, but I couldn’t suppress tears over the end of a more remarkable period of my life.

Yes, among the remarkable periods of my life was the time when I was addicted to an MMORPG.

When I grinded at 15+ hours a day to get ahead of the level curves.

When random chatters lurked about my clan chat, and I would respond to their questions every few moments.

I cried over that.

I remember going outside one night with a sleeping bag onto the back deck, and crying ’til my eyelids had wrinkles. I remember regretting that I never finished my last major goal in the game: reaching 99 Runecrafting(often considered the “hardest” skill in the game).

I remember regretting the end of some friendships I had worked to develop though internet-based they may have been and regretting the loss of the support of those who acclaimed me as a great Runescape skiller.

But most of all I was afraid of change and the future. And I regretted that I would have to leave the lifestyle I had lived all too long.

And a week passed. And my video “My Runescape Career” got about 700 views on Youtube. And I had cried my cry, and reflected my reflections.

I remember smiling and telling myself “I will never regret because I have learned.” And I looked to the future with joy, and saw the beginning of a new era in my life, a time of new opportunity.

And for a while, I became that one person who always smiled.

But as I write this article, I am not smiling.

Today, it has been about a year and a half since I quit Runescape. My great accomplishments in life have been scarce and few. I have made many acquaintances, but few friends, and I am cruelest to those who I cherish most.

I am tired and bitter, regaining the lost cynicism of my childhood, that same cynicism I discovered when I first realized that death was the end.

And I look away from those around me so that they will not see that I am crying.

Because I am far too ashamed of the me who I have become, and the me who will come.

Because I realize that the stubborn me regrets and did not learn the lessons that history has taught. All in the me.

I start to wallow in self pity, and feel the endless despair, the inescapable cycle of sadness, the imperishable plague of self-bashing.

At the end of the day, I alone realize once again that I am an idiot.

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 17th, 2010 at 10:34 pm and is filed under Lifepost. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.